Talking. Speaking. Feeling. Thinking.

Although my posts are not going to be consistent, how can you expect them to be? We are not consistent beings, we are ever changing, shifting up and down, twirling and spinning in whichever way the wind will carry us. That being said, I have spoken with three very good friends in the past two days, and I feel like these friends are all telling me the same thing. Follow your heart, confront your fears, listen to what life is telling you to do. 
After talking with my brother this afternoon, it sinks in. Everyone is right. I have spent the past 12 years of my life, doing for others, taking care of others, making sure everyone could sleep well at night and move forward during the day. I have inadvertently chained and restricted myself,  ME, from doing exactly what I hope others can do. 
In the past few months, I have made major life changes, geographically speaking, not mentally. I have never lived away from home, and rather than regretting this decision to move, I see now that it is a blessing in disguise. I have helped those closest to me the most in the past few months than I have in 12 years. While I struggle with this newfound freedom, I understand that it in fact, has helped ME more than anyone. I have this freedom, a freedom I have never known, and never really bothered to seek. What frightens me here and now, is that there is something waiting for me out there. I don't know what it is, or where it is - but I need to go. I need to find it. Cyclical thinking has lead me down this route. Something I have always wanted to do, and it is definitely NOT what I am doing now. My limited foresight leads me to believe that I will not travel this road alone. Whatever is out there for me, also has someone in mind. 
Feeling much better today. Dark Stars and Regretful Forests are so much more beautiful in the light. 

Dark Stars and Regretful Forests

I begin this journey with a heavy heart and soulful mind. I am willing to accept how life has laid it's path for me thus far, but things I cannot accept are the the paths I have carved into the scorched earth. by looking backwards, I cannot really get any further than the point I am at right now. How do you stop? At what point do you turn around and start taking steps? I have been on this journey all alone, every now and again I cross paths with someone who is searching for the very thing I seek. It's difficult to imagine doing this alone, yet I always do. I carry these weights as I walk, through the thickness of the dark, fearing that if I leave one thing behind, it will be forgotten and never found. Fading memories chain my legs in the dirt and my efforts to take even the smallest step is hindered. I look down and see that these chains are mine and mine alone. He has lifted those chains and he carried me high into the sky, above the clouds, into the shimmering lights that I long for now. My fear of heights was unsettling. I pulled away and let go, and I fell. Shattering memories and dreams on my downfall has left me broken and bruised. Not the kind a hospital can fix. There are no ambulances here. As I look around, through the mist and the tightening branches, I see nothing but a never ending hall of mirrors. Reflections looking back on me. I do not like what I see. The chains around my ankles tighten and I close my eyes, hiding from the reflections presented to me. Why am I afraid to look? Is what I might see? Or what I think I might see. I guess if I open my eyes, I will know - but right now, I can't even do that. I keep looking behind me, averting my eyes from the mirrors and refusing to look ahead. I see him in the shadows, like in a dream, where he is happy and moving ahead, leaving me behind just as I did to him. As I turn away, I realize the fog and mist are watery drops filling in my eyes as I look up, through the dark, and what I see, surprises me. Through the salt and mist in my eyes, I see glimmering stars, waiting to direct me towards something more liberating, more free. A droplet falls to the ground as I follow it with my gaze and I am left again, in the dark, staring at my own chains in the dirt.